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November 10, 2015

6 Items You Need for Fall

Fall is my favorite time of year. In LA, it's cold enough to throw on a lightweight jacket during the day and at night, just put on a couple layers to feel the right amount of cozy. Cold weather gear always looks more refined than clothing intended for the summer months. So here is my guide to some essentials that you will need for the upcoming season. 

1. Burgundy Sweater

Burgundy, also known as "Ox Blood" is looking like a signature color this year. It definitely is a good change of pace from wearing shades of grey or navy, which is super common for fall/winter wear.

 

2. A Solid Pair of Boots

When I say a 'solid' pair of boots I mean something that could withstand the elements. Boots have evolved a lot in the last ten years. Gone are the days where everything emulated Timberland. Now you could find a ton of cool Boot-Sneaker hybrids that seem to be more suited for the urban lifestyle.

3. Canvas or Twill Anorak

Anoraks are my favorite Army inspired article of clothing. Part hoodie, part jacket, it truly is a standout piece. Try opting for a waxed finish or anything that is somewhat water resistant making this pullover stylish and functional.

 

4. Bomber Jacket

While were on the topic of Army influenced clothing, the bomber seems to be back and more popular than ever. There are so many variations that work for almost any occasion. You could find many with a shearling collar which gives it a much more gaudy appearance.

 

5. Earthtone Khakis

This may be one of the more boring suggestions but khakis really complete the fall look. 

6. Turtleneck

I know, I know, this may not be for everyone. Trust me when I say that you should give this a go. Turtlenecks are perfect for layering and way more versatile than one would assume. You could wear it under a blazer or even a denim trucker jacket. 

Buddy Bravado

November 05, 2015

Fantasy Football PIcks: Week 9

Last week was a tough week in fantasy. I lost my bellcow in Le'Veon Bell. Drafted him in both of my season long leagues and it felt like all my championship hopes and dreams have been crushed. But, the main thing about being a good manager is figuring out a way to minimize failure. Luckily I drafted a decent core of RBs or picked up a few good ones on the waiver wire to lessen the blow. Here's to hoping none of your star players get hurt for the rest of the year. It really really sucks.

Philip Rivers:

All this man does is throw the ball. They hardly ever run and when they do it isn't for a big chunk of yards. Yes, he lost Keenan Allen for the year, but guess what? That doesn't matter because he's a great quarterback and is on top of his game this year. I also love starting players on Monday nights for some reason. More rest, more practice and more time to think about how to attack the defense. Rivers is also someone to target in season long leagues. Besides for the week 13 matchup against the Broncos, he should see plenty of success the rest of the way.

Draft Kings price: $6,900

Doug Martin:

I know that everyone hyped the muscle hamster up like crazy during the preseason, but I never really fed into it and I wish I did. Luckily there are daily leagues that I can always input him into my lineups. Even though the Bucs offense isn't hitting on all cylinders, Doug Martin is. He's got a good matchup against the Giants and although he's one of the top rushers in the league this year, he's one the cheapest starters this week.

Draft Kings price: $ 5,900

Danny Woodhead:

Who would've guessed that this guy was going to be in the top 10 in fantasy scoring for a RB this year? No one. Don't lie, you one random person. I don't mind this stack because without Keenan Allen, Woodhead is going to see plenty of targets. Others think that Malcom Floyd's and Stevie Johnson's values go up - well they do - but Woodhead's rises even further than before because of how many targets will be coming his way as the safety net of that offense.

Draft Kings price: $4,800

Antonio Brown:

Big Ben is back. There's no Le'Veon. Brown is still the best in the business at his position and having his stud QB only helps his value and weekly scoring output. Sure, the Raiders played well against the Jets last week but they had Geno Smith throwing the ball against them for almost the entire game. Expect Brown to torch the Raiders secondary. He could have a huge game this week.

Draft Kings price: $8,100

Jarvis Landry:

Landry plays a lot like Randall Cobb. I don't think he's as talented as Cobb is, however they use him as a utility man and can run many plays specifically for him. His return skills are also a valuable asset if your leagues count return yards and touchdowns. I really like him this week as we see the Dolphins attacking more and putting up points. Buffalo does have a good defense, but I like the creativity behind the Dolphins offensive attack after the coaching change. Landry will also get a lot of looks as he's the #1 option on that offense.

Draft Kings price: $6,300

Bonus Pick - Delanie Walker:

With Marcus Mariota back I expect Walker to be the main guy on that offense and see the majority of the targets. Kendall Wright is out for the year and the most prolific target in their passing attack is Delanie Walker. He's not a sexy add but he will do just fine for the rest of the year. I like him this week against a New Orleans defense that just allowed 7 passing touchdowns last year. Don't expect that to happen again, but I do think that with Mariota, the Titans offense will be just good enough to put up a decent amount of points.

Draft Kings price: $4,200

That's it for this week. I hope your week doesn't suck as much as mine did in week 8. Good luck.

Hauk Vagner

October 30, 2015

Fantasy Football Picks: Week 8

I had another crappy week of daily fantasy picks. Well, I shouldn't say crappy because I put up 170 points and didn't win much, but I'm starting to think that I'm more suited for season long leagues. I split my leagues 1-1 in week 7, scoring 189 in one league and 70 points in another. I'm in second place in one league (5-2) and fifth place in the other league (4-3). I will probably make the playoffs in both leagues, but winning it is another thing. Definitely not going to  guarantee a championship... yet. So, I think I may be up to something this week in daily. I love my lineup.

Andy Dalton:

The beige water pistol, going up against the Steelers in what should be a high scoring affair. He's also been the #1 fantasy QB and is on an incredibly high powered offense. Dalton is also very cheap this week in comparison to other options at his position. Not much to say here, but he's a no brainer. It's not a very contrarian approach, but sometimes it's not good to get too cute.

Draft Kings price: $6,000

Todd Gurley:

Again, not very contrarian as his hype and stock is rising higher and higher, however he looks like a monster. His price is also at a great value and he's got a good matchup against the 49ers, who are just struggling each week. The Rams rest all their hopes and dreams on this kid's shoulders and he's carrying them with ease.

Draft Kings price: $6,300

Chris Johnson:

From getting cut, to getting shot, to becoming a top 10 RB in fantasy, Chris Johnson has been lighting it up behind the Cardinals offensive line. I don't get why he is so cheap, but he is and we thank Draft Kings for that. He's going up against the Cleveland Browns who got lit up a week ago by Todd Gurley and will get lit up again by Chris Johnson. No brainer.

Draft Kings price: $4,600

Keenan Allen:

I beat myself every week when I see Keenan Allen killing it on the stat sheet because I didn't draft him this year even though I was targeting him in every mock I did. Why didn't I draft him? Who knows. Probably stupidity. Either way, he's a must start in season long leagues and he's a must start this week in daily fantasy. Baltimore's secondary is for a lack of a better word, garbage, and there is no Antonio Gates again this week. He's not too cheap, but he'll put up big points for you.

Draft Kings price: $7,700

Stefon Diggs:

All aboard the Stefon Diggs hype train. Another guy I'm beating myself over for not putting in a waiver on him. He's a good ball player and has a good rapport with Teddy "Two Gloves" Bridgewater. Also comes in very cheap and is playing against the porous Chicago defense. If you want to plug in big players elsewhere and start him in daily, go right on ahead.

Draft Kings price: $4,800

Bonus Pick - Ladarius Green:

Even when Antonio Gates has played, Green has put up decent points. But with Gates out he's almost a must start unless you got an elite TE at your disposal. I don't mind the stack with Allen and Green in daily leagues, because all Rivers does is throw it. The Chargers can't run the ball with their banged up offensive line, so look for Rivers to sling it against the Ravens.

Draft Kings price: $3,000

Good luck with your daily and season long leagues this week and have a fun Halloween weekend.

Hauk Vagner

October 23, 2015

10 Items Every Man Should Have in Their Wardrobe

I generally don't like to purchase an article of clothing just to own it. We tend to fall into a trap of buying something because its a good price or because we liked it at the store, only to experience buyer's remorse shortly after. I believe that we should make purchases mainly according to lifestyle, need and value. Who am I kidding, I own a ton of clothing. Especially shoes, LOTS of shoes, but I honestly wear almost everything in my closet. I generally have my go-to items that are versatile pieces that I can wear for different occasions. These are items that every man needs and work with any body time. In no particular order of importance, here are my essentials that one should build their wardrobe around. 

1. The Perfect White Tee

I'm not talking about anything that comes in a 4-pack and fits like the shirt you get for free after donating blood. I'm talking about a tee that is tailored shirt that in mostly cotton with a little bit of a poly or spandex blend 5-10% just to give it a soft buttery feel and drape the body better. A well fitting white tee is easy to dress up with a blazer and dress down with some jeans and sneakers. 

2. Dark Wash Jeans

Dark wash jeans are a no brainer to me. They generally look good on everyone, you could wear them with sneakers, boots or oxfords. Pair them with a tee for lounging or a button up shirt to hit up a bar. The best quality of jeans is that they get better with age so the more mileage you put on these, the better. 

3. Denim Alternative Pants

Up until a couple years ago, jeans were pretty much the only casual pant offerings for guys. Chinos and Khakis were strictly for the business casual yuppie that would spend half a day in a cubicle waiting for Macy's next Dockers sale. Today, you could find chinos in slimmer fits that work for a more casual look. The easiest colors to pull off would be khaki and any shade of grey. Wear these in place of jeans. 

4. Solid Oxford Shirt

Oxford shirts have a distinct look and feel. The texture of the shirt gives it a casual aesthetic and a sturdy feel. Oxfords will usually have a button down collar. I generally don't tuck in my Oxford shirt but it all depends on what type of pant you pair it with. 

5. Denim Trucker Jacket

At one point, it seemed as if the Trucker Jacket had died. Disappeared into the abyss with many other trends. Now, its back and sleeker than ever. Find one that hugs your body and make sure you don't wear it with jeans that match. Try contrasting it with grey or khaki chinos. 

6. Tweed Blazer

The origins of Tweed are in the UK. Due to its durability and moisture-resistance, it has become a very popular fabric for casual outerwear. Even though it has a rough texture and is generally thick, it is flexible and great for layering. If you're looking for the highest quality Tweed, go for a Harris Tweed blazer. Your sons will thank you. 

7. White Converse Chucks

White Chucks go with everything. Literally. If you don't want to buy converse brand than go for Tretorn, Zuriick or PF Flyers. I personally like the Jack Purcell's pictured above. It has a more prominent toe cap, giving it a more expensive look.    

 8. The Everyday Hoodie

Whether it be a zip up or a pull over, a go-to hoodie is essential. Although its considered the daily uniform for the Silicon Valley types, nothing is cozier than that super soft fleece hoodie than is worn down from all the washes. 

9. Navy Blue Suit

Unlike the picture above, I would prefer to wear my Navy Suit with brown derby shoes. Most places where a suit is required, walking into the room you will notice a sea of Black. Black is easy. However easy is boring. A Navy Suit helps you stand out but not in a bad way.

10. The Graphic Tee

What makes a graphic tee so essential is how it speaks your mind for you. Whether it be a box logo or a political statement, graphic tees always have something to say. We take pride in having the widest range and wittiest graphics. Just like everything else on this list, graphic tees have withstood the test of time. 

Buddy Bravado

 

 

October 22, 2015

Fantasy Football Picks: Week 7

Last week was both awesome and not so awesome. I didn't net any money in Draft Kings, however I did win both of my season long leagues. In one of them, I want by .1 points mainly because Josh Brown (kicker of the Giants) couldn't score another point - thank the football gods! I still need to get used to playing daily fantasy. Season long leagues are definitely my strong suit, but hitting on a daily lineup is tougher than I had expected. There are some great match ups this week and we all need to take advantage of them. Here we go.

Blake Bortles:

Yes. A Jaguars QB. He's 5th in QB scoring so far and he's putting up big points. Who cares that he plays for an awful team? He's playing catch up a lot of times and he can get on a roll and make some nice throws. No matter how ugly it looks, he puts up points in fantasy and we need to learn to just sit back and take it. It's not a beauty contest. Laugh your way, watching him score points for your team, to victory.

Draft Kings price: $5,400

Todd Gurley:

Gurley is going to a popular choice for daily leagues this weekend. He's got a great match up against the Browns and his price is cheap. He's also a pretty damn good player, so he's got that going for him as well. I wouldn't be surprised if his ownership is one of the highest this weekend. If you're playing the contrarian approach, he isn't an option. But if you want a cheap RB, then he's an instant plug and play. He's a guy to target for season long leagues. I'd wait for him to have a couple of weeks where he's calmed down a bit (let's hope it isn't this week!) then make a trade proposal for him.

Draft Kings price: $5,000

Chris Ivory:

This man is on one heck of a streak and we have to ride it for as long as we can. I don't see him slowing down at all this season, simply because his team is doing a hell of a job all around. The Jets are not to be messed with and Chris Ivory is taking advantage of his stout offensive line. I drafted him in the 7th round and he's playing like a first rounder this year. People will be down on him this week because they're going up against the Pats, but make no mistake, Frank Gore ran for 98 yards against these guys and Ivory has a way better o-line and he's not 30+ years old.

Draft Kings price: $5,800

DeAndre Hopkins:

 

Hopkins is just tearing it up. The dude is on pace for 200 targets this year and he's reminding me of what Josh Gordon was doing when Brian Hoyer was the QB with the Browns. A lot of people may play him but he's a good guy to have in your lineup because you know he's going to score a lot. Not much is needed to say about this kid, he's just an amazing talent and I'm upset that I don't have him in season long leagues. He is match up proof. Good luck trying to trade for him.

Draft Kings price: $8,600

T.Y. Hilton:

 

The Ghost hasn't had a big game all year long. He finally got his first TD of the year against the Patriots last week. He's still getting plenty of looks and was close on a couple of catches in other games to get touchdowns, so they will come. We just need to be patient. Hilton is going up against the Saints and it should be a fun game to watch, especially as a Hilton owner, because he should put up some big numbers. I don't see anyone being able to match up with him on their secondary and Andrew Luck should take advantage of that.

Draft Kings price: $6,500

Bonus Pick - Travis Kelce:

Kelce has been a top 5 tight end this year, as we all expected, and is someone you start in your lineup and not have to worry about getting you a decent amount of points at his position. However, if you want big points this week from your TE spot, play him. Maclin might not play and there's no Jamaal Charles to take away targets either. Alex Smith might only through for 200 yards, but a majority of those yards should be Kelce's.

Draft Kings price: $4,900

Good luck to everyone this week, I know I need it.

Hauk Vagner

October 15, 2015

Fantasy Football Picks: Week 6

I didn't win a contest in Draft Kings at all last week, but I won both of my season long leagues thanks to LeVeon Bell and his last second touchdown. In one league I was down by 3 until that last play where he dove for the end zone. Thank you Bell - almost lost to a team without a win despite putting up the 3rd highest points last week. Back to DFS, what hurt me the most what my Charles Clay pick. Every other position had at least double digit points except for Clay. In fact, if Clay put up 5 points instead of his measly 1.7 points, I would've been in the money and at least won my money back. But it's okay,  because there's always next week fortunately.

Carson Palmer:

This man has been on fire. Their offense is rolling. Their defense has been getting stops. The running game is on point. The Arizona Cardinals are what the Denver Broncos should have been this year. Add Palmer to your lineups this Sunday against the Steelers in what should be a high scoring game and a great matchup with their banged up secondary. As long as he's healthy, Palmer is a very safe QB play with a very high floor.

Draft Kings price: $6,600

Arian Foster:

Foster looks like the same one of last year when he was killing it. Make no mistake, he didn't get too many rushing yards, but he made up for that in the passing game by getting plenty of receptions last week against the Colts. He's got the Jaguars this week and he's set to scorch them, whether on the ground, running or in the air, receiving. I wish I had him in my season long leagues, but I took LeVeon instead and couldn't afford two RBs not playing within the first few weeks.

Draft Kings price: $7,000

Eddie Lacy:

He's been somewhat very quiet this year, but that should change and that change will come this week. He's going up against a San Diego defense that just got worked up by Bell. Mind you, they were stacking the box against the Steelers and still couldn't stop Bell from breaking out big runs. Eddie Lacy shouldn't see those stacked boxes thanks to our best friend Aaron Rodgers. Lacy should be a solid start, set up to put up a good amount of points, in what is a great matchup for him.

Draft Kings price: $6,300

Jordan Matthews:

He's had a horrid past couple of weeks, but did you see what Boldin did to the Giants secondary? Oh, and their best cover man, Prince Amukamara is probably not going to play. Bradford is starting to throw the ball with a purpose. He's still making dumb decisions, but he's also targeting Matthews a lot. I wouldn't be too afraid of Matthews dropping the ball near the redzone. He should be able to fix that. Get him in your lineups and sit back and... wait, you can't really relax watching the Eagles offense because Chip Kelly can't do weird things at times. But, just know that Matthews will get his.

Draft Kings price: $6,200

 Eric Decker:

This is more of a value sleeper pick than a for sure thing. I am starting him in my flex spot because he's been getting a solid 10-15 points a game and I can manage with that. He's got a good matchup against a surprisingly decent Washington defense. I just think this game will be higher scoring than people think and I want to bank on Fitzpatrick slinging it out to his very good receiving options.

Draft Kings price: $4,900

Bonus Pick - Denver Broncos Defense:

Yes. A defense. But not any defense. These group of guys have been monstrous. They're the best defense in the league right now and they put up a massive amount of points week in and week out. If you can grab them on your team in season long leagues, please do it. But for those not as fortunate, add them to your DFS lineups and watch them stack points on your scoreboard.

As always, good luck this week and let me know how much I suck at fantasy football on Instagram or Twitter.

Hauk Vagner

October 08, 2015

Fantasy Football Picks: Week 5

Last week was tough for my daily fantasy teams. I had 4 lineups and none of them were in the money. My season long teams did great however and that's always good. In both of my leagues I have a 2-2 record and currently am in the playoffs for both. The good thing is that I'm putting up pretty consistent points and there is still room to grow. Time for the week 5 picks.

Philip Rivers:

I haaaaaate Philip Rivers! He whines at his own players all the time and whines after every play, looking for a penalty to benefit his team. It's annoying. He's annoying. But dammit he's good at playing quarterback and he's been putting up 20.5 points per game. He's got a Monday night game against the Steelers at home and that should be a decently high scoring game. Rivers also comes in very cheap this week. Look to add him for your lineups and stack elsewhere.

Draft Kings price: $6,200

 Le'Veon Bell:

I have Bell in both of my season long leagues and many offers have come for him. All of them are laughable. I wouldn't trade this guy. It would take a lot out of me to let him go. He's a monster and he has a great matchup against the Chargers on Monday night. He showed that he can still move the chains without Big Ben and I never doubted him. Bell comes at a very high price point, but he's a no brainer 25+ point scorer a week.

Draft Kings price: $8,500

Dion Lewis:

Dion Lewis just signed a 2 year extension with the Pats and I don't know what the hell that means, but he's playing great for this powerhouse offense. There's always this skepticism with Patriot running backs because Belichick is a hassle for fantasy owners, however he's made it clear that Lewis is the lead back. In a PPR and in Draft Kings, you want a running back that will not only run in the red zone but catch plenty of passes - Lewis is just that.

Draft Kings price: $4,800

Keenan Allen:

When you've got a matchup with high scoring potential, it's alright to stack your QB with their WR. In this case, Keenan Allen is tearing it up and I wish I had him in my season long teams, but I will bank off him in daily tournies. He's got a good matchup against the Steelers and he'll be getting a bunch of targets, without double coverage now that Antonio Gates is back.

Draft Kings price: $7,200

Jeremy Maclin:

His last two weeks have been insanely productive and I'm happy to say that I have him in a PPR league and he's winning match ups for me. But this week he's going up against the Bears who have a leaky secondary. I'm going to bank off the fact that Andy Reid is throwing the ball more and he must to put up points to win games. Constantly running the ball with Jamaal Charles moves the chains, because he's so good, but it doesn't help with being unpredictable.

Draft Kings price: $6,000

Bonus Pick - Charles Clay:

This is one year where there are plenty of options at tight end. Charles Clay has emerged as a TE1 this year and will finish in the top 5. I would target him in season long leagues and snatch him up off the waiver wire if he's still available. This week, Watkins and McCoy are still out. Tyrod Taylor will sling the ball and his main guy will be Clay. The Titans defense isn't the best, so I'd expect Clay to be very successful this week.

Draft Kings price: $4,100

Good luck to everyone this week and keep your heads up if you're 1-3 or 0-4. Hopefully you're only a couple of moves away from winning more games.

Hauk Vagner

October 08, 2015

Five Men's Fashion Blogs To Follow

I have my share of daily reads to keep up with the latest in Men's fashion. Even though I work in the apparel industry, I'm still a fanboy at heart and love reading about other brands. Here are a few of my "go-to" sites.

Selectism

I like Selectism not for its fashion category but also for the amount of content related to all facets of design. Whether it be art, architecture, furniture or photography, there is a ton of rich content. There isn't a ton of verbiage ,which some people prefer, however there are enough photos to keep you engaged. 

Daily Scout

Daily Scout is a New York based lifestyle blog run by Justin Livingston that also covers a broad range of topics besides fashion such as food, travel and grooming. A lot of the east coast based bloggers tend to be on the super dapper side, however Justin is the exception. As much as I like the dapper look, I just don't see it as practical daily wear, especially on the west coast. Justin also does a good job of keeping the content sincere and personal. 

Men's Style Pro

Men's Style Pro is blog that was launched in 2010 by Sabir Peele. Peele has won style awards from GQ and Esquire which are two of the most highly recognized names in the game. For those of you who need to wear business casual on the daily, this is a good place to start. It is also a good source for style tips for men trying to figure out how to 'pull-off' a certain trend. 

 

Four Pins

Four Pins is a blog backed by Complex Magazine which features some great snarky writing. They cover a wide spectrum of budgets from fast fashion to the high end. Sometimes I end up clicking a bunch of links just to read the single paragraph commentary. The writing reminds me a lot of The Big Ghost Blog which is pure comedy gold. 

Fashion Beans

Fashion Beans is a website which gives you access to many company lookbook campaigns and have a ton of content. My only complaint with them would be that they have too many posts on the mainstream heavy hitters in the industry such as J. Crew, Gap, Zara, etc. I feel like most viewers who look up mens blogs are looking for more unique labels. 

Buddy Bravado

October 05, 2015

9 Foolproof Signs that your Girl is a KGB Spy!!

I know it's been over 25 years since the cold war ended, but that doesn't mean the Russians gave up. They are smart, disciplined, and determined and I believe that at least 1 in 5 women in the U.S. are, in fact, KGB spies. And after years of research, I've managed to put together a list of Signs to look out for. Signs that can guarantee that your girl is a KGB spy....Check them out!

 

  1. Good at Math - Everyone knows Russians are good at math so unless your girl is Asian...she's probably a Russian spy. Actually, I take that back. Asians can be Russian spies too. So basically, good at math equals Russian Spy!
  2. Never Cold - Russians live in cold temperatures and in turn their bodies have adapted to the cold weather. So if your girl doesn't get cold....she's probably gathering intel on your for the communist party.
  3. She is Not Afraid of Bears - No trick here. All girls love bears but they are still scared shitless of them. If your girl is comfortable in close proximity to bears, it's probably because she has extensive training in hand to hand combat and she isn't afraid of anything. 
  4. Good at Chess - I'm not even gonna justify this. All Russians are good at chess. So just challenge your girl to a quick game. If she beats you in less then 5 moves...Call the FBI
  5. Has Blue Eyes - Blue eyes means KGB spy. Bottom line. 
  6. She Loves Ham - Not pork...HAM. Russians love their ham and they put it in all their food. If your girl just throws ham in dishes that don't normally have it....she's a spy.
  7. She Puts Mayonnaise on Everything - Russian dressing...mostly Mayo. It's not just me. Everyone knows that Russians consume 88% of the worlds Mayo. They put it on everything....especially their ham. So if your girl puts mayo on everything.....she's a SPY!!
  8. Can Dead Lift 1000lbs - It's common knowledge that every Russian is good at weightlifting. The Russians basically own every weightlifting record because it's in their genes. So if your girl ever lifts the couch with one hand to vacuum under it. SHE'S A SPY!!
  9. Doesn't buy you ARKA gear - The most important sign. If your girl has never bought you anything from ARKA....she hates America and Freedom....and she is 1,000,000% a cold war spy. 

So there you have it. If you don't believe me...just google it and you'll see that everything I said is completely false..lol. But if only one of the things on my list is accurate it's probably #9. If your girl doesn't buy you ARKA, she's probably a spy. Or she hates you. Either way...it's time to move on..haha

 

Till Next Time

 

Charles Dar Wizard

October 02, 2015

7 Places You Can Punch a Baby Without Killing It

Anyone who knows how to have fun knows there are very few things in life funner then punching a newborn. However, you can't just punch a newborn anywhere you'd like. Babies are tiny and helpless, and a punch to the wrong part of the body could in fact kill the little beast. So I decided, out of the goodness of my heart, to teach all you amateur baby punchers where you can punch your bundle of joy without killing it.

 

Here we go!!!

  1. The Bicep - You can always throw a quick jab to a babies arm to relieve some stress. Babies are tougher than you'd think and they can handle it. 
  2. The Thigh - As you know the thigh is the chubby ugly cousin of the the bicep... For babies anyhow...lol. And when you're bored of biting you babies chubby thighs... Give it a quick right hook
  3. The Knee - All fat and bone! Soft Bone, but nonetheless, all bone and fun to punch. You want to make sure the infant is on their back when you do this otherwise you can break their leg
  4. The Elbow - The sharper, less fatty step sister of the knee. It is the least fun part of the baby to punch but... who am I kidding... every part of a baby is fun to punch
  5. Upper Back - Anyone who's ever seen a baby being nursed knows you can go to town on a babies back and they'll be just fine. Sure moms do it with an open hand instead of a closed fist but... I just think they don't have the stomach to punch their own baby. Which brings me to an important point. ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS punch someone ELSE'S baby. Never your own. Just in case.
  6. The Bottom of their FEET - Any doctor can tell you, this is the toughest part of your body and this is what I would recommend beginners to start with. A babies feet will eventually take a beating once it learns how to walk. You'd just be speeding up the process a little...or a lot.
  7. And finally THE ASS - By far the funnest part of a baby to punch. I think it's the funnest part of anyone or even any animal to punch. The ass of a baby is like two little punching bags smothering a tiny little crapping machine. When all else fails...PUNCH THEM IN THE ASS!

So there you have it. I hope you had fun reading this and you learned something. Oh and above all, I hope you NEVER EVER try any of this in real life. You will be incarcerated and your child will grow up in foster care. LOL. Not that it's funny to grow up in foster care. You know what I mean.

Till Next Time!

 

Charles Dar Wizard