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9 Foolproof Signs that your Girl is a KGB Spy!!

I know it's been over 25 years since the cold war ended, but that doesn't mean the Russians gave up. They are smart, disciplined, and determined and I believe that at least 1 in 5 women in the U.S. are, in fact, KGB spies. And after years of research, I've managed to put together a list of Signs to look out for. Signs that can guarantee that your girl is a KGB spy....Check them out!


  1. Good at Math - Everyone knows Russians are good at math so unless your girl is Asian...she's probably a Russian spy. Actually, I take that back. Asians can be Russian spies too. So basically, good at math equals Russian Spy!
  2. Never Cold - Russians live in cold temperatures and in turn their bodies have adapted to the cold weather. So if your girl doesn't get cold....she's probably gathering intel on your for the communist party.
  3. She is Not Afraid of Bears - No trick here. All girls love bears but they are still scared shitless of them. If your girl is comfortable in close proximity to bears, it's probably because she has extensive training in hand to hand combat and she isn't afraid of anything. 
  4. Good at Chess - I'm not even gonna justify this. All Russians are good at chess. So just challenge your girl to a quick game. If she beats you in less then 5 moves...Call the FBI
  5. Has Blue Eyes - Blue eyes means KGB spy. Bottom line. 
  6. She Loves Ham - Not pork...HAM. Russians love their ham and they put it in all their food. If your girl just throws ham in dishes that don't normally have it....she's a spy.
  7. She Puts Mayonnaise on Everything - Russian dressing...mostly Mayo. It's not just me. Everyone knows that Russians consume 88% of the worlds Mayo. They put it on everything....especially their ham. So if your girl puts mayo on everything.....she's a SPY!!
  8. Can Dead Lift 1000lbs - It's common knowledge that every Russian is good at weightlifting. The Russians basically own every weightlifting record because it's in their genes. So if your girl ever lifts the couch with one hand to vacuum under it. SHE'S A SPY!!
  9. Doesn't buy you ARKA gear - The most important sign. If your girl has never bought you anything from ARKA....she hates America and Freedom....and she is 1,000,000% a cold war spy. 

So there you have it. If you don't believe me...just google it and you'll see that everything I said is completely But if only one of the things on my list is accurate it's probably #9. If your girl doesn't buy you ARKA, she's probably a spy. Or she hates you. Either's time to move on..haha


Till Next Time


Charles Dar Wizard